A Visit to the Graves

As the sun falls behind the horizon, Dave and I venture across the field and through an enclosed pathway through the woods to the site. A couple of stone benches, a cross, and five small headstones mark the place. We sit down and sigh. Four of these stones are ours. They signify the missing pieces and the broken places of our lives.

I lean my head against his shoulder, silently pondering the weight of it all. Sometimes the pain cuts deep, but not always. There seems to be a veil over my emotions that I don’t always have access to. Yet tonight, it hurts.

I have been studying about the empty places of our lives, and how these caverns are built through hurt, betrayal, and loss. As my eyes glanced from stone to stone, my eyes are opened to the gaping hole my babies have left. There really is a cavernous place within my heart, one that has continued to be unfulfilled. And yet, as I heard earlier in the day, no matter what I try to fill it with, nothing will satisfy. There is only One who can do that. And so recognizing my need, I ask once again for Him to fill me.

My heart is full of pain as tears run down my cheeks. Then the nearby cross leads me to remember, as if I could ever forget, this isn’t really the end. There is hope beyond the grave. This bittersweet realization changes my perspective. And I look once again at the stones reflecting their inscriptions in the dim light…

Belita – “Little Beautiful One”
Katie Esperanza – “Pure Hope”
Confianza – “Trust”
Andrew David – “Drewbaby”

This last one holds my attention a little longer than the rest. The stone is larger than the others and actually has dates. Here was our little son who lived nine short weeks. We did finally have a baby who stayed around for awhile. And now, even two years have passed since he was with us.

Will there be another grave? Will there be more loss? I find myself counting the cost of this childless life. And even now, as we consider fostering a beautiful baby boy and potentially adopting down the road, I know there is more pain to come. Perhaps fulfillment too. Am I up for this, despite what I know? Yes Lord, I am up for it.

The significant meanings of the names of Katie and Confianza especially stand out. I do have hope beyond all of this. I have learned to trust God more than ever. And suddenly, I am grateful. I lay my head in Dave’s lap and tell him about it. These heart shattering experiences over the last seven years have been worth it. I know God in a way I could not have known Him otherwise. And that has been my prayer all along.

From my perpendicular view, I see the fading light on the horizon, the trees silhouetted against a darkening sky, and a crescent moon directly overhead. In the stillness, I appreciate the beauty of God’s magnificent creation. I can’t wait to see what this life is all about and the purpose behind the pain. For now, I will have to let my God fill the deepest places of my heart and find solace in His words, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.”