Knowing Him

"That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made comformable to His death." Philippians 3:10

"There is no question in my mind that God pays attention to such prayers, even if they are prayed by a child. Never mind that we do not know what we are asking. He knows. He knows our frame, too, and remembers that we are dust, so He leads us tenderly and carefully along the pathway we have chosen, which is the way of the cross." -Elisabeth Elliot

How could I know what it would cost when I, at the age of 18, chose this verse to be my life's pursuit? Had I known, would I have chosen it still?

I knew it would cost something, but the "something" at that stage of my life, wasn't the heart-wrenching experience of my last six years. Of course, it would mean the laying down the comforts of my American life and serving in an unknown land. Leaving friends and family behind while I pursued God's calling. Gloriously dying to my desires for a family to singly meet the needs of others. I had it all planned out.

Life is not going according to plan.

God, in His goodness, granted me the most wonderful husband in the world...okay, scratch the single part. We made our plans to spend an extended period of time on the mission field...the door was slammed shut. The "American" life I never wanted to live was now mine...friends and family all nearby. Okay, it's not what I planned, but I guess I can handle this. You see, the plan wasn't mine to make in the first place.

Enter pain. Lots of it. The pain of miscarriage, stillbirth, premature birth and death. The pain of misunderstanding, false accusation, and being wrongfully used. And I'm still young. I think I'm getting the point. Life is full of pain.

"Wait a minute!" I say, looking upward. "This can't be the plan!"

And yet, somehow it is. In the midst of all the tears and confusion, I am coming to know One so precious and loving. A God, who for the first time in my life I can say, is good. So incredibly good. He who is working all my pain into something amazing. Something beautiful.

That I may know Him...I have a long way to go yet. And I'm sure, a lot more pain. But in the end, as He reveals more of who He is and His heart towards us, His creation, it will fade away in His perfect beauty and love. Then we will understand why it had to be this way.